the sudden twist

Lately I have been so busy with work and other random activities that I haven't been updating. When I update (like so!) it means that something significant and important has cropped up that has justified a blog entry.

Everyone who has known me for long enough knows that for as long as I've been around, I have wanted to study medicine and eventually become a doctor that (hopefully) saves lives. It feels like it's nearly programmed into my genetic code ---> grow up watching inspiring ER-type dramas, study hard, get into Med school, slave at it, become a successful doctor. Simple as that. The interest, the passion, I feel nearly inbred having my father, my grandfather, my granduncles, grandaunts etc all being(been) doctors, some even being pioneers in their respective fields.

Life seems to like pulling the carpet from beneath me because all of a sudden, I feel like my life has taken a sharp turn and I feel nearly breathless from the sudden change in my life's events.

Don't ask me again - I'm not in Med school, I am in a First Year Health Sciences course that within your pool, leaves you competing for spaces in professional courses such as Med, Dent, Pharmacy, Physiotherapy, etc. In the beginning of the year, it was about 1600 students competing for the hot choices, but now the number has dwindled down some.

The competition to get into Medicine is tremendous. It is (at times) sickening, underhanded, selfish and too competitive. Sometimes it feels like people don't know why they want to get into Med School, just that maybe because it is prestigious, exclusive and competitive to get into. The competition, together with a blend of other enlightening factors, have left me sickened. Crazy muggers and fiercely competitive students have, to me, bastardized the essence of studying medicine - that is, to learn the art and principle of healing. It is now, to some, all about getting into something that is exclusive and highly admired in their respective countries. Who cares about helping and service to the community, I just want to be revered. Whatever.

I've thought hard about it, consulted many, and asked myself carefully - Do I want to sacrifice a huge portion of my life in the pursuit of continual medical education? Do I want to give up potential "being a mother" time slaving at the hospital trying to gain residency? Do I want to be on call all morning and night? I've been through these lists in my head endlessly for days on end now, and I've decided.

I've decided that although a fierce passion to become a doctor and serve the community lies in my heart, it isn't enough to drive me through the endless sacrifices required of a doctor, including endless studying and on-call hours to clinch a stable position within the hospital (which in itself will take years and years), and the thought of having to sacrifice a lot when I eventually become a wife and a mother.

I've prayed about this some, but the answer as to what I should then do isn't clear to me. I have decided that I will study as though I am driven to get into Med, I will then see which doors God closes for me, and which he opens. From there, I will make my decision as to the step I will take towards my eventual career path. So this means that Med isn't totally out of the books, but it means that I feel that God might have other plans for me.

So the purpose of this entry is so when I say, no, I decided not to pursue Med in the end, you won't give me a shell-shocked omg you didn't look, nor will you give me a you are nothing but a huge let-down and a serious disappointment. I've thought further into the future than most people would normally because the last thing I want to do is regret in the future. So don't say I'm a disappointment, because contrary to what you think, I don't want to disappoint me in my future.