grapes for eyes

saturday morning lying on my bed with my cold feet enjoying the hot air blowing from the heater. i'm waiting for hans to come pick me up so that we can enjoy our last day together before he goes back home and i go back home. Enjoy just being in each other's company and running errands tying loose ends before he goes for summer. Even if it's the most boring errands, I want time to go in slow-motion so that I have just that last day.

it is so ridiculous that I feel so sad thinking about him going when i know that two months will (hopefully) sprint past. I know that this time apart is only going to make us stronger, but I don't want that, I just want to cling onto something that is leaving.

Leaving is what makes it so hard. Once he's gone, and I've coped, things will be sweet, but its the leaving part that I don't want to go through. I don't want him to wake me up at 5am to say goodbye, and me choking in desperation trying to stay positive so he can leave easily yet wanting to do anything to make him stay just that while more. And it's hugely worse when there's an urgency to go. He has a flight to catch, it's the final boarding call like it was for me in January, and there was nothing to do, I just had to run far far away from the people I didn't even want to leave behind.

This is so stupid. I have no coping mechanism for goodbyes. Thank god for external distractions. One day of packing for summer, One whole week of shopping therapy, and hopefully two months of productivity over summer. I need a job, or meaningful work to keep my mind of things.